I’m Laying Down My Hand IV

I’m twenty-one years of age. I look like I’m older than my big sister who is either one or two years older than me depending on what half of the year it is. I often ask myself what it is that bothers me about lonliness the most. I guess it’s the rejection of my company, the nothingness of silence, and maybe I’m afraid of people. My first friends at the tender age of eight decided that because I dotted my i’s the same way I wasn’t worthy of being their friend. Five years later I had to break off a friendship to be a friend to somebody else. Two years later some other friends didn’t look back – didn’t even notice when I had stopped hanging around.

I was called a ‘lost puppy’ to my face. Then the boys questioned if I really liked boys. It’s no wonder those were the darkest years of my life. I even thought of suicide. I remember it – almost. I used to sit on the slide of the recently rennovated playground. I looked over all the kids my age that I had grown up with since the third grade. I could tell you which ones were my worst tormentors – who made fun with me not by physical intimidation, but it was all a mind game that I couldn’t win. Then there was light as I had never known when memories of my family and my church bubbled up from way back. “They need me.”

It was another year before the twister and we moved out. It was tough, and I did not yet understand Christianity. In Indiana it took some time before we found the church we spent a majority of our time with. We helped build that place. (Part of it, anyway.) We had a falling out over the music, over the youth, and over the lack thereof. In all honesty, my family had quit attending months before and I was missing them severely, so I left, too. A family church just isn’t a family church without your family. There I learned much of Christ and I learned to lean on Him.

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...Anyway, that's just how I feel about it ... What do you think?

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