I’ve rather recently discovered that I’ve locked myself into a self-defeating, self-fulfilling prophecy in which nothing is resolved or gets any better but continues in a downward spiral. The best solution would be to put myself in positions where I’m challenged to improve, but I don’t see how. Another observed that “I was the sort that was all too happy to stay home doing whatever, not needing to go hang out and that the employment I needed ought to reflect that.” In other words I need a job with minimal interation with people until I’m able to handle dealing with people. The problem is that pretty much every entry level job requires some amount of interaction. Cashier, innkeeper, fast-food restaurant employee, grocery store stocker, … How do you explain yourself to social butterflies? Could they possibly understand the underlying reasons, in my case fear and mistrust, that makes it nearly impossible to function in social settings? Is it possible for me at the age of twenty-something to learn the social skills I never picked up as a little kid?
I’ve avoided being social or socialble for the last five years. Ever since I graduated high school I haven’t really left my house. I go shopping at places like wal-mart and attend churches where I can remain anonymous. To me, the less I have to deal with people, the better. One day it struck me as unusual so I started looking up if there could be something going on while surfing the internet. I tried ‘anti-social’ and it turned out that description didn’t fit me. Anti-socials don’t follow the rules well, and they’re particularly prone to law-breaking. Then I found it. It sounded almost exactly to be like me. “Avoidant Personality Disorder” the article said, is a condition that is caused by repeated cycles of rejection or extreme criticism whereby people have so much trouble being social, they avoid it as much as possible. They would rather be lonely and isolated than risk being hurt by people again. I’ve tried to explain that I think this is what’s going on. I’ve been told to ‘just get over it’. I can’t. So here I am, in a self-defeating, self-fulfilling prophecy in which nothing is resolved or gets any better. Just continuing to slide in a down-ward spiral, unable to trust the stairs or to go upward.